Domestic Violence- A Marital Disease

I know some persons would ask for my head but I have to be blunt about this. I don’t do Nollywood movies. This is hugely because I have been grossly disappointed with the few I have bumped into. But, I saw Mr & Mrs penultimate Sunday after a colleague said some nice things about it and was I disappointed? The answer is an emphatic No. I was impressed and I felt, maybe, I needed to adjust my perception about Nollywood movies after all.
Mr & Mrs was a romance movie released in 2012. It was written and produced by Chinwe Egwuagu  and directed by Ikechukwu Onyeka. I know little about this two but I think they did a terrific job in this movie. The plot was inventive and exhilarating and that’s what stood it out.

The movie starred Nse Ikpe Etim as Susan Abbah, a lawyer married to Kenneth Abbah (Joseph Benjamin), the managing director of Hills and Gas.

In their 10 years of marriage, Ken subjected Susan to emotional torture. He treated her like a mere appendage and she on her part responded positively by allowing his torture eat through her skin up to her heart.
Susan practically held unto sanity by a slender thread, she lost grip of herself. Her self-confidence, self-pride and self-esteem all took leave of her and she was like a domestic engineer in her own home. She lived every day in constant fear of Kenneth Abbah, her husband, until the table was turned and the hunter became the hunted. The ending part was a comic relief.

Let me not spoil the movie any further for you....

Domestic violence as shown in this movie is a common episode in our society today and from a personal analysis, women are mostly at the receiving end and I am yet to understand why this is so.

As a woman, living with a man who tortures you both physically and emotionally is like living in a nightmare territory because every second that you breathe, you inhale fear and misery. Every time you are with him there is this palpable tension you feel around him and you are not sure of whom he is anymore because it wasn't so when he came to you with his image-making personality months or years ago. You are scared not to make mistakes when he is around you because he sure as hell going to yell madness out of your head.  Your once angel has turned into a Tasmanian devil and you are wishing you didn't say “Yes, I do” at the altar few years ago. This is disheartening to imagine and I reach out to every woman experiencing this at this moment but to any man treating his wife this way, you sure need a mental check up.

Sweetheart, I can hear you say (in your heart) “my husband does not beat me, the only thing he does is detects my daily activities, like tell me what I should wear and where I should go.” like seriously? 
“He detects my kind of company. Sometimes he disrespects me at home and in public but he often always apologizes and promises never to do it again. He is doing all this because I think he loves me so much and he is the jealous type, too.” Babes, did I just hear that from you? I will pardon you if what you are having with that dude is just a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but they are not 
allowed in a marital relationship. In fact, they are the opening gambits of worse things to come and you need to act now because divorce is not an option.

What should you do?

Susan did something in Mr & Mrs (you will find out what by the time you see the movie) which helped redefined her home but I don’t want to prescribe that to every woman because it might just backfire but I noticed something at the beginning of the movie. Susan was partly the reason why her husband tortured her. Her acceptance of all the excesses of Ken fuelled his unwholesome cruelty to her. And I saw this in the way she dressed, Christ! She was always shabbily dressed and her hair was so unkempt! So, I will say this. It is sometimes the way a woman presents herself before a man that determines the respect he would accord her. Your background matter less.

1. Always look good and sexy (for him): I am sure you have heard the cliché: “men are moved by what they see” That has not been faulted to this minute. If you want your husband’s secretary to be less attractive to him, don’t fail to look good. Burn the extra calories, shop for sexy panties and bras and make sure you wear them in his presence. They work like spell and except he is under a bigger spell, he will respect and adore you like the queen that you are and as well keep his big man at home.

2. Don’t be too submissive to him: The Bible asked wives to be submissive to their husbands but it didn't ask women to allow their husbands tie their necks with ropes and drag them about like Christmas goats. It is seriously nauseating to see women that treat their husbands like their Lords and Masters. Who says he is your lord? Your husband should be your best friend, your playmate, the one you should joke with, laugh with and even engage in funny sports like “messing competition” with. Yes I said that. Don’t live under his directives and 
instructions as though he bought you off your parents. That’s not right! Don’t stand looking at him all the time like an Egyptian mummy or a zombie when he rebukes you unnecessarily all the time. He has no right to do that. Don’t misconceive me, I am not saying you should be a truce breaker, but hey! Don’t go on sipping all his excesses like Coke believing he would change by himself someday. No way, change him.

3. Talk with him: nothing beats the place of constant communication in every relationship. Always talk with your husband and make him see how the things he does affect you. The other side to this is this; if he’s the best husband in the world, don’t fail to tell him to his face. We men love to hear such things, it makes us feel important. In my tribe they say “eto dike na nke omere omekwa ozo” which translate to “A man does more when the little he has done is well appreciated”. This works like magic.

4. Be prayerful: a man much wiser and deep in knowledge than I am once said that “a prayer less wife is a student in the school of marital failure.” Never fail to seek the face of God in your home, even over things you worry less about. Pray without season and let the peace of your home be top in your prayer list.

5. Be romantic: Always tell your husband how much you love and adore him. Tell him he is your prince charming and mean it. Some women will resort to this strategy when they need something from their husbands but that is not fair. Bore him with sweet words until his brain is plated with your entire being. Give it to him hot in bed, kai! He is your husband and there is no sin in it. Be adventurous and make him wish for more. Don’t nag, men hates nagging, embrace his person and tell him how handsome he looks every morning and he would go to his office smiling like a mumu.

6. Talk to somebody: When everything has failed find someone to talk to. There’s a popular saying that “a problem shared is half solved.” Look for somebody to talk to if his attitude persists and by my tunic you wouldn’t go seeking for answers from someone who is finding it difficult to manage her own home. A marriage councillor, a married sibling or a pastor will do. But most preferable, talk to God.

Finally, to men who treat women less than the angels they are. Dudes, stop it forthwith. If there is anything you want her to address it is best you talk to her lovingly than make your home a hell on earth for her. You would gain nothing but a broken home, unhappiness and worst of all emotionally unstable children. This is also a message to women that make their home “ungovernable” for their 
husbands. After work a man is scared of heading back home because a Jackie Chan he calls his wife is waiting at the door to punch his balls out because she heard from the grape vine that he is frolicking with a colleague. Omoge, think, think, and think again.

I wish you all marital bliss!

Chris Okafor

P.S: These are the words of Chris. I call him "da boss" because he always sound like a mature and intelligent young man. There are a couple of things i admire about this guy. First is his use of English which reflects in his writing and you know when an intelligent person speaks you feel it from the words....just yesterday he sent me a mail asking about my welfare, he knew the blog had no new gist and so he asked that he wanted to write a guest post. You need to see how happy i felt and in fact he was the source of my inspiration this morning, the reason why i got motivated to post. God bless you Chris!

Before i hurry to bed let me comment that this post was very informative and the advises on domestic violence is absolutely on point and i can relate to it. I hope you readers feel the same way because with no strings attached and with all sincerity of heart i doff my hat for this blogger of life, Chris of you are really amazing  and believe me i just didn't tell you before now that i admire your intelligence and words which reflects clearly from even your blog post and the comments you make.


  1. OMG! You are 'officially' amazing.
    Kai! I have no fitting word to express how I feel right now!
    See, after reading your P.S I looked myself in the mirror to check if my already big head has grown out of size but funny enough it's still the same size. I guess what I felt was 'internal head swelling'.
    Thanks awfully and with all sincerity I want to state here that you are indeed the flower of nature.
    I hope you have a brighter week and a glorious finish to the rest of the year!
    Stress yourself less and always find time to drop us new posts in exclusivetins.

    1. Thanks so much boss!! I am overwhelmed with joy for this lovely piece and ur support and sincerely i wasn't flattering you...u are exactly what i just called u, da boss!!

      Thanks dearie and trust me i'm gonna try to post no matter what. Do av a lovely evening *hugs

  2. Nne, I abhor domestic violence. UI cannot believe that you do not watch nollywood movies because I love them with a passion. I saw Mr and Mrs sometime last year, and I was blown away by Nse's performance - That woman knows her to interpret her role (s), and you cant help but love the way she handled it in the end.

    Chris is such an amazing blogger, and my eyes always light up each time he posts. Can I add that I value his input? His comments are the best ever

  3. After watching that movie i could so relate to it, because i have been a victim. I condemn every act big time the pain is something you wont ever forget


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